Everyone cheered when I came out on the balcony and waved. It was the biggest gathering on the south lawn since my fantastic inauguration, which was huge and had more people at it than any other inauguration in the history of the united shtaitches. Even Barack Obama didn’t get more people than that, ever. It was more people than my poll numbers, which were fantastically high. I looked down on them with my bestest strongest glare, knowing that’s what they all wanted, a strong leader like me to tell them what ot do.
“Mister President?” a man next to me said. It was that guy that always follows me around and tells me stuff, and that I tell him to do stuff and he does. Good man, fine man. Makes good coffee. Maybe I should make him something else, something higher? Then, he tells me something and I only hear the last half of what he says.
“Sir,” he says, “You have the most popular presidency in the history of ever. How can we keep you in office forever?”
“Is the rally soon?” I asked him with a knowing eye. Everyone loves the knowing eye.
“Sir,” he told me, “Your car is ready.”
We go down to the car, and the Secret Service is waiting there for me. As I get in the car, I winked at the guy holding the door and say, “You guys can keep a secret, can’t you?”
They all laugh. They love that joke. I tell it every time and every time they laugh. I’m funnier than any other president ever. Just ask anybody. Everybody loves me.
As we pull away, I practice the glare on the peasants holding signs outside the gate. Losers. Dad always said those people were only worth stepping on on the way to the top. Well, I’m on top now, losers! So shut up and suck it!
The rally is huge! Biggest ever! And they hang on everything I say. I’m a genius with a very big a brain, and they’re stupid losers, so it isn’t hard to talk to them. They eat up everything I say. At this point, I really don’t have to work very hard. They believe anything I tell them. I could shoot a guy right here on stage and pull his guts out, then tell them nothing happened, and they would believe me. I’m the best president ever!
Tales of a Tired Daddy 