You Shall Not Pass!

It was a cute little thing, I have to admit. Standing there upright like a little man, its forelimbs spread out in an attempt to block my passage. Its right paw clutched a little straight stick like a staff, and its bushy tail swept over its hind legs like a cloak. And, was that a little pointed hat on its head? The way it looked at me told me it meant business, but I couldn’t help chuckling. It was so darn cute!

You could have bowled me over with a feather when its tiny mouth opened and in a slight lisp, it squeaked, “You shall not pass!”

Okay, so I stared dumbfounded for a while before my brain finally kicked into gear, and shortly afterward, my mouth. And, yes, I stuttered when I jabbered out, “You can talk?”

“Of course, I can!” the squirrel snapped at me, irritated. “And, you shall not pass!”

The last thing on my mind at the moment was catching my bus, despite how important that was. I stared for a while longer, but the squirrel’s expression never faltered. It seemed determined to keep me from getting any farther, though I couldn’t see how it could back up its threat.

“Why?” I finally asked, figuring that my meaning was clear. It scowled, then chittered back, “Your kind has no place here!”

“My…kind?” I repeated. “You mean…people?”

The squirrel squared its jaw and fixed me with a hard glare. “Begone from here, lest I call mighty forces down upon you!”

This was all sounding vaguely familiar, but it was also getting a little irritating. And, I suddenly remembered why I was on that particular sidewalk that day. “Look here, Gandolf -!”

“Dangolf!” the squirrel irritably corrected me. “Dangolf the Gray Squirrel! And I won’t give you a third warning!”

“Oh, really?” I scoffed. “And, what are you going to do? Crack the sidewalk beneath me?”

The squirrel didn’t say anything back. Instead, it raised its little walking stick and slammed the butt of it against the cement, and suddenly I felt the hairs rising on my neck. Then, there was a biting shock on my left arm, and when I looked to see what had caused it, the same nip attacked my right arm! Then, I noticed how dim it had gotten, and I looked up. Hovering just over my head was a dark, roiling storm cloud about as big around as an umbrella and just as far above me, then there was a flash like an old-time camera, and a tiny, jagged bolt of lightning leapt from the cloud and stabbed me in the right shoulder. And that sucker hurt!

“Hey!” I snapped at the little rodent, just before another bolt zapped me on the cheek. “Stop it!”

“Cut it out!” I shrieked as another streak burned me in the bum. I swear that little creep was laughing to itself the entire time.

“Begone, lout!” the squirrel ordered. “Begone lest I grow angry with you!”

“Now, look here, Dandruff-!” I barked, as another bolt sizzled dangerously close to my nether regions.

“Dangolf!” the squirrel corrected me, sending a handful of jagged spears to various sensitive places around my torso. Yes, I danced in pain, but who wouldn’t in my shoes? And, of course, I’d had enough!

“Look here!” I yelled in my most commanding voice, hoping that my size and sheer weight would influence the little goober somehow. “I need to catch the bus!”

“You’ll not hunt here!” the squirrel vehemantly replied. “Now, go! Or I shall bring greater forces down upon you!”

I’d like to say I was used to the zaps at that point, but that was not the case. Each one hurt as much as the last, and I didn’t know what to do! I had an important appointment, and the only way I had of getting there was the bus, and this little squirrel was keeping me from reaching it.

“What do you want?” I cried out, a lot more desperately than I wanted to sound. “What can I do to make you let me by?”

The zapping ceased, and I stared at the squirrel, who stared back at me. I didn’t like the look in its eyes. They were shrewd and calculating, and I knew right away I was in trouble of a different sort.

“You could offer a token of your good will,” the squirrel told me.

Since I had no idea what that meant, I asked, with all the sophistication of modern civilization, “Huh?”

“A small token of your sincerety,” it replied. “A mere gift, as it were.”

“A…gift?” I couldn’t have heard right. “You want me to give you…a gift?”

“That’s what I said, lout!” the squirrel snapped. “Are your ears too big to hear?”

“What kind of gift would I have -?”

Luckily, the squirrel saved me from having to piece it together myself. “You have peanut butter.”

Well, that was weird. Yes, I had packed myself a peanut butter sandwich for later, knowing that I wouldn’t get any lunch. But, how did it know -?

“I can smell it on you,” the squirrel continued, pointing to my pants. “That pocket.”

Yeah, it was right. I pulled the sandwich out, still in its zippered plastic, and showed it to the squirrel. How that little pest knew it was there, I’ll never know. So much for “sealing in the freshness”, I guess.

“That’s the stuff!” The squirrel smacked its lips at the sight.

“Okay, here!” I said, quickly tossing the sandwich to the ground at its feet. “Can I go, now?”

The squirrel considered the offering for a moment, but I could tell it had already made up its mind to accept it. Then, it lowered its stick, the cloud faded away, and it said, in satisfaction, “It is acceptable.”

I wasted no time getting past that little pest and hurried for the transfer station, hoping the delay wasn’t fatal. The squirrel didn’t try to stop me or call me back, and I hastened away from it as fast as I could. But, I couldn’t help overhearing, only a second later, its high-pitched, squeaky voice raised again in challenge.

“You shall not pass!” it squeaked.

I couldn’t help it. I turned around, and saw that it was molesting yet another person on the sidewalk. But that person, a woman in business attire, must have encountered the rodent before, because she was already holding out a small bag of nuts as an offering. That made me stop and watch the drama unfold as the squirrel considered the bag carefully before nodding its furry little head. The woman set the offering at its feet, then rushed on her way, headed right for me.

Okay, I couldn’t help intercepting her. “Excuse me,” I said, and when I had her attention, I asked, “Did you have to deal with that squirrel before?”

“You mean Dangolf?” she asked, and when I nodded, she said, “He’s here every Wednesday. Has a regular racket going.”

I had to absorb that incredible fact before I asked, “And, the magic?”

She shrugged, letting me know she couldn’t explain it, either, so I remarked, “But, it can talk.”

“Of course, he can,” the woman replied impatiently. “How else is he going to get what he wants?”